How ginger exactly are you?

Really, not very. But if I say “no, I’m dark ginger” or “no it’s auburn” or “it’s strawberry blonde”, then there’s always that one self riteous prick who thinks he’s a hair colour professional, so I just say I’m ginger to avoid arguments.

Why do you make so many jokes about ginger people?

If I joke about it, A: people will respect me for being able to take the piss out of myself, B: it generally makes things less awkward cause obviously there’s a lot of ginger/no soul jokes to be made and C: because if I do it more, people realise that it doesn’t affect me much to use as some kind of ammunition so they don’t bother. Hence, ginger hate goes down. It’s just fueled by the fact that if you get offended by it, more people do it and the more people do it the more people do it. It’s a sick world really. Calling someone ginger in a derogatory way is the only kind of racism that’s socially accepted.

How religious are you?

Not at all. I have so many arguments for why I personally am not religious, the main one being I don’t think he exists. I wouldn’t give my money to a bank I didn’t know was going to keep it safe, I wouldn’t give my time to a cause I don’t know will return it. I just think it’s highly unlikely that there is a god, that he has control over everything in this world. I mean, I go along with most of the morals of christianity like not cheating, not killing and stuff, but I just feel it’s a waste of time to give every thanks to someone I don’t even know exists. Plus I like science.

Why are you so hilarious?

What can I say, it’s a talent! No I’m kidding, I have both a dark sense of humour and a silly sense of humour. As in “poo” is funny to me. Some people, who think that to be grown up means to not laugh, find me immature. I find them immature for believing that they’re so mature that they can call me immature. I’m immature because other people find it funny. That’s the only reason. I laugh at “poo” because other people find it funny, in whatever way, that I laugh at poo. Of course sometimes “poo” is a funny word. Plus I hate most of the humour that people laugh at, like laughing at someone or laughing at something that’s really shallow like you’d get on TOWIE or Jeremy Kyle. I’ve never understood why Jeremy Kyle or TOWIE is so interesting because it’s all so shallow and just not funny. I find Monty Python and The Big Bang Theory, Scrubs, Two and a Half Men funny. Basically, I’m a boy of wit. I laugh with intelligence - I try not to laugh at, but I’m only human and I don’t claim to be perfect (even though I am) so if I do laugh at you, it’s probably because you’ve said something without thinking about it.

How do you feel about the concept of “the one”?

Personally, I’m not into all that “fate” and “soulmate” business. Of course I know for a fact that some people get along better than others, but I have to say the idea of “the one” is something that will tear a relationship apart. If one or both people in the relationship get the feeling that the other isn’t “the one”, it’ll undoubtedly start to fade because you both believe it won’t work. Honestly, I really suggest communication. Talk about everything maturely, sacrifice things in a relationship if you really feel that it could tear you apart, go the rest of the mile the other person isn’t willing to. I believe people can learn to get along. Just because you have opposing views on stuff doesn’t mean it can’t be either avoided or smoothed out. Just talk to each other, don’t lie, don’t hold anything back. If it doesn’t work, you can at least say you tried.

What kind of music do you like?

I love rock and I love metal. I love the feeling of actual musicianship it empowers, the fact that they write their own music, the fact that they use more classical musical technicality and the fact that those who play it are usually incredibly talented, more so than pop musicians or singers. Infinitely so. I also like a small amount of dubstep, but that’s mainly because I respect how hard and technical it is to create the various sounds and use them in a way that sounds good. Most dubstep is shit, but there are a couple like Skrillex who do know how to work it out well. I also really love orchestral and older music, such as Stravinsky Beethoven and such. I’m not a big fan of the whole “it’s a classic so it must be good” idea, I think realistically it’s a load of bogs dollox because it’s made or sung badly. I can respect a good song, I can’t respect a song if it’s considered “good” because of its age.

What instruments do you play?

Guitar, piano and some vocals. I’m pretty good at guitar, I think, I’m not amazing at piano but it’s really helpful when I compose and my vocals are terrible but, hey, I can have fun. I can scream, which a lot of people don’t appreciate, understandably. They don’t appreciate the effort that goes into making the sound, they just say it’s “screaming down a microphone”. I can understand you don’t like the sound, but don’t be so narrow minded.

Tattoos?

None, and I want to get some but I want to be able to take them off too. I love the art and talent that goes into them, but I have no stories or life experiences with which to give it a background and I’m sure I’ll regret it if I get one for the sake of it. I have some cool ideas, but I like a natural body, but I also like an artistic body. Tattoos on girls are attractive, but it depends where. Ruin the tits, though, and we will not talk. No go area. No go.

Do you really have a jewellery phobia?

Yeah, I can’t be very specific about what scares me but in general, earrings and piercings, rings and some bracelets and necklaces. I know what I’m scared of but I don’t know why. I was probably attacked by a necklace as a child or something, I dunno. It just scares me. Irrational phobia right there. Tell yo’ friends!

Why is your girlfriend so gorgeous?

I assume it’s because of DNA, but I honestly thinks she does a great job of looking after herself. Her skin is so soft and boobs = top notch. I wouldn’t swap her for the world. She’s like a little ball of perfection, and without sounding all soppy because I know all you heartless love-veterans who’ve experienced so much in love hate VDA (virtual displays of affection) but I really am so proud to be hers.

views on sex?

I’ve had it, and I think it’s great. I have after all been with Elke for coming up to three years now. I really do think there are boundaries though. Don’t cheat. If you feel like you need to cheat, have a wank instead. It is not worth it, I’ve learnt from my dad. And be safe too. Pill and condom. Don’t get the extra safe one though, just be safe. Remember that you only have your virginity once. I waited 8 months and I’m glad I did because for every month that I wait for Elke, I realise it was another month I waited for myself. Don’t think you’re in love at 14 and just give it away because he asks. How will you explain that to future partners?

How much do you want to kill anyone who lives by the motto “live for the moment”?

A lot. In my opinion (backed up by psychological evidence done by Phillip Zimbardo of Stanford University) “living for the moment” is a stupid concept. If you do not think ahead, I promise you will have a very unhappy life in the future. Do weed and smoke now, end up with lung cancer and schizophrenia later. All because you thought it was a good idea when you were younger. Remember, YOLO. That doesn’t mean throw it away cause you can. By all means have a good time, just remember that every action has a consequence. You’ll regret ignoring that when it comes to the consequence part.

How blind are you?

Very. Not even joking, if spectacle strength means anything to you, the average short-/long-sighted person is about -/+1.5. Mine is +6.50. It is incredibly, incredibly blurry for me. I cannot see a thing, not a detail, just colour without glasses or contacts.

Why’re you so short?

Now this is a FAQ, but A: Short family, B: Hypothyroidism. It contributes to a looooooadddd of other problems with this here old body o’ mine, but it’s a right bummer. I get extra time in exams though, because I take much longer to export information in a visual way that most people. That’s an upside!

Are you a vegetarian?

PFFFFTTTTTT. My favourite meal is steak! Barely cooked! I can see why people are vegetarians, because animals have feelings too and it’s somewhat wrong, but humans are not herbivores, we are designed to eat meat and I just love a good old chunk o’ cow way too much to feel bad about eating it.

What recording set up do you have for your compositions?

I use:

• Dell 8400 (32bit, Windows XP)
• Cubase Essential 5
• M-Audio Audiophile Delta 24/96
• Yamaha MD8 multitrack recorder
• Line 6 POD 2.0
• Rode NT1-A Condenser Microphone
• Native Instruments Massive
• HALion
• Prologue
• Marshall MG10CD
• Marshall MG100DFX
• Epiphone Les Paul Black Beauty
• Ashland Tobacco Sunrise Acoustic
• Some dell surround sound system